Monday, April 4, 2011

When Fear won't go away

"Perfect love casts out fear".

Ever since the chick tragedies last summer, I've had a hard time dealing with my fear. Knowing what is the worst that can truly happen in farming is hard. hard. hard. Add to that a narrow tunnel focus that can only see what is before me, instead of my God who orchestrates life, and it's a recipe for panic attacks.

I know it takes time to get over hardship, but will I ever learn to give and let go? It makes sense to not stress about things you cannot control, but what about freaking out at church because you remember you forgot to cover the toxic rhubarb plants in the field where your beautiful calves are grazing and you thought you saw a calf on its side as you drove out of the driveway... that's just my own stupidity and scatter-brained-ness that could lead to tragedy. How do I control fear of my own failings? When it's MY FAULT that animals die, I can't forgive myself and become paranoid that I will do it again.

Part of the issue is growing up a judgmental perfectionist. Small failings are often blown out of proportion - I am guilty of this, and it's wrong.

I'm embarrassed by my fears, but I can't just pretend they don't exist. Maybe God has a reason for making me have to face them, some future event where I'll need a memory of how He showed Himself strong in the past.


Mennagerie Farm said...

I think all women struggle with fear; some more than others. I know I really struggle with fear. The Lord has been showing me some areas in my life in which I have a lot of fear, but I'm still struggling with letting go... It's hard! We call it "fear" for a reason!

I think the farming lifestyle also adds the fear factor up. Did my cow really just eat all those daffodil plants!? Aren't those poisonous to animals? Capri is limping, is she getting hoof rot too? My earthly wealth totals 75 cents, and I just ran out of hay; how on earth am I supposed to get more? Oh yeah, I just ran out of chicken feed too...

Fear is a hard thing to conquer. When ya' figure out the answer to the problem, by all means let me know!

Prayin' for ya'...

Anonymous said...

MY earthly wealth is negative because one, I just paid for this term of school, and I owe dough on repairs for landscape equipment. So I'm worse off than you.

Garden of Glory said...

LOL, men fear just as much as women, sometimes more. The men that I know have the most stress because they are the providers for their families.