Monday, December 13, 2010

I Ain't Right in the Head

Why am I up so late?

It has been a down-and-dirty last few days.

It seems that a conversation with a friend, scripture verses, and seeing first-hand what can happen on online forums has changed the way I view the internet.

Don't go public.

There's times where posting on forums and talking online may be useful, but do the benefits outweigh the costs?

You have a better chance of meeting real people if you meet them in reality... face-to-face. It's easier to sort through the fake ones when you look them in the eye and watch how they live and work.

Also on my mind is relationships. God sent His son to die for that person that I have such a hard time loving. Why is it so painful for me to do likewise? Still, when there is a person that hates your guts, isn't it perhaps a good idea to distance yourself from that person, as long as in your own heart you deal with any bitterness towards them, and learn to hate what they do, not who they are? I need some godly counsel right now.

Then there are embarrassing moments... they happen to me far often than I feel is entirely necessary. Ahem. "God, um, I get the picture already... humble pie starts getting tasteless after a few bites." It might help to have a sister who could drag me by the arm into a corner to say, "Um, you might want to fix that, er, problem."

Because I am soooo not detail-oriented. I see the big picture, and throw proper grammar, etiquette and caution out the window. I'll probably have a big ol' messy house someday with a houseful of kids that probably need more hair brushing and ironing of pants, but hopefully with a thousand different ideas, projects, changes happening all the time, friends and family invited over spur-of-the-moment, and an open mind to all that God would have in store for us, even if it isn't cookie cutter perfect and we make mistakes in the process.

Why aren't more people vision-oriented? To be honest, it drives me up the wall to live in a family that doesn't like change, and has a hard time dealing with spontaneous events. I guess without more people like my family us visionaries would create a chaotic world in short order.

Oh, good news! God has provided me with a substitute teaching job for four months starting in January. This will mean I am teaching a total of 24 piano students three full days a week. I am blessed that this teacher would consider me for the position, and her students will be a true joy to spend time with.

I'm also praying about selling our Holstein whom we bought for a temporary calf-milk supply, and purchasing a premium Jersey who will benefit from and remain healthy on the intensive grazing system that I am slowly implementing.

That said, my family does not wish to grasp the same farming vision, and tension among the ranks leads me to the conclusion that next year I must set aside most of my dreams. God knows my desires, but is not obligated to fulfill them. He wants my whole heart, and He will be found by me when I seek Him, so I don't need to fear the uncertain future.


Karen said...

I so agree w/ you about the internet! I've had enough people trying to set me up with people that I've finally decided that I don't do internet relationships and I don't do blind dates. If someone wants to meet me, he can attend my church or do something else that I'm doing. You should talk to my sister. She's the visionary in our family, and I feel sorry that she has to live with the rest of us (or I guess now, live with mom and dad). If it wasn't for you visionaries, our life would be very bland. Sounds like you'll have a VERY busy time teaching! That's a lot of students! have fun! And Emily, God has a plan for your life (whether it's what you think it is or not) and even if there are moments of discouragement, know that His plan will always come to pass! Always!

Garden of Glory said...

Thank you, Karen. Your blog posts show a way that internet can be a blessing, and I appreciate being able to hear your thoughts and what God is teaching you.

Right, it's a contradiction, but when we limit our contact with people via the internet, we are NOT limiting God. He is leading you even now.

"But I have trusted in YOUR mercy; my heart shall rejoice in YOUR salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me." Psalm 13:5-6

Brian said...

Mmm... yes, the internet can be a brutal place at times. Especially when you have never met the other people in real life.

Ha, at times people who are dreamers drive me up the wall. Why can't they stop with the big ideas and focus on what is in front of them right now? ;) But I suppose it takes all types to make things work.

Congrats on teaching more!

Garden of Glory said...

I've known that about you for a while, Brian :D My brother is the same way, though probably not to such an extreme.

The best visionaries find the balance between dreaming and living in the present. God gives us each the strengths we will need to work in our different areas, and our job is refining them and perhaps tempering their extremes.

King's child said...

I'm surprised we get along as well as we do with you being such a visionary person, and I'm -- not. ;) Sorry Emily, I can't stand change of any sort. You should ask my family sometime about what happened when they moved my bookshelf.... Ooof.

I'm prayin' for ya' dear friend!


Gretchen said...

why would someone hate your guts? I am of the opinion that if a relationship is that painful, then it should be broken off. Assuming that it is someone that can be removed from your life, not an immediate family member, etc. I know I have had people in my life that showed a severe non-repentant attitude, along with other issues, and were not healthy for me to stay in contact with. You are a very faithful person, Emily, and I can see why this would be a dilemma. Hard question, hard situations. I hope some of this made sense. :) you will be in my prayers...

Sonia said...

Oh goodness. Everything you've said sounds so familiar. Been there done that too. ;) How much we sound like 2 peas in a visionary pod. Let me say that you inspire me so much with your home farm and herbs. I'm learning a lot from you :) Praying for you, girl ;)

BTW, we need to do a girl tea time or something and have a nice chat about farming, internet, visions, and then something random and silly to keep us even keeled. :P ;)

Throwback at Trapper Creek said...

Have you thought of a applying for a Polyface farm experience position?

It's a great place to connect with like-minded folks.