I Ain't Right in the Head

Why am I up so late?

It has been a down-and-dirty last few days.

It seems that a conversation with a friend, scripture verses, and seeing first-hand what can happen on online forums has changed the way I view the internet.

Don't go public.

There's times where posting on forums and talking online may be useful, but do the benefits outweigh the costs?

You have a better chance of meeting real people if you meet them in reality... face-to-face. It's easier to sort through the fake ones when you look them in the eye and watch how they live and work.

Also on my mind is relationships. God sent His son to die for that person that I have such a hard time loving. Why is it so painful for me to do likewise? Still, when there is a person that hates your guts, isn't it perhaps a good idea to distance yourself from that person, as long as in your own heart you deal with any bitterness towards them, and learn to hate what they do, not who they are? I need some godly counsel right now.

Then there are embarrassing moments... they happen to me far often than I feel is entirely necessary. Ahem. "God, um, I get the picture already... humble pie starts getting tasteless after a few bites." It might help to have a sister who could drag me by the arm into a corner to say, "Um, you might want to fix that, er, problem."

Because I am soooo not detail-oriented. I see the big picture, and throw proper grammar, etiquette and caution out the window. I'll probably have a big ol' messy house someday with a houseful of kids that probably need more hair brushing and ironing of pants, but hopefully with a thousand different ideas, projects, changes happening all the time, friends and family invited over spur-of-the-moment, and an open mind to all that God would have in store for us, even if it isn't cookie cutter perfect and we make mistakes in the process.

Why aren't more people vision-oriented? To be honest, it drives me up the wall to live in a family that doesn't like change, and has a hard time dealing with spontaneous events. I guess without more people like my family us visionaries would create a chaotic world in short order.

Oh, good news! God has provided me with a substitute teaching job for four months starting in January. This will mean I am teaching a total of 24 piano students three full days a week. I am blessed that this teacher would consider me for the position, and her students will be a true joy to spend time with.

I'm also praying about selling our Holstein whom we bought for a temporary calf-milk supply, and purchasing a premium Jersey who will benefit from and remain healthy on the intensive grazing system that I am slowly implementing.

That said, my family does not wish to grasp the same farming vision, and tension among the ranks leads me to the conclusion that next year I must set aside most of my dreams. God knows my desires, but is not obligated to fulfill them. He wants my whole heart, and He will be found by me when I seek Him, so I don't need to fear the uncertain future.